Today marks the one month mark of welcoming our first foster placement into our home. What a rollercoaster it’s been in this short time, too! We are all adjusting a little more each day. It’s such a huge transition, which affects every member of the family. My girls suddenly have less of our attention. While they have enjoyed having another playmate, they are both acting out in their own way. Mealtimes and bedtimes are nuts. Leaving the house now requires a lot more prep work.
It’s not been easy. I knew this going in and had tried to prepare myself, but you can’t really foresee how each person will react to another family member thrown in the mix. About 80% of the time, I feel pushed to my limit, overwhelmed, need an extra 12 hours in the day. The other 20%, I’m still frazzled but can manage. Countless times in the past month, I have gotten to the point where I feel that I’ve made a mistake with this fostering thing…that I’m not “that kind” of mom who juggles a hundred kids with ease, smiling all the time. Some dear friends have had to remind me why we started this in the first place. Obedience. Satan has tried to muddy my thoughts and convince me that we can quit this, that somebody else will do it, that the Lord really didn’t want us to do this. The Lord has actually felt very far away the past few weeks, at a time when I thought He’d be the closest. While I know this is not true, it’s felt as if He saw what a crappy job I was doing as a foster mom and decided that all those doubts/lies/fears I had prior were right, so He would just abandon this idea of having the Keyses be foster parents. People, this month has been tough.
We found out that there is some extended family that may be interested in taking him. I immediately started pulling away emtionally, as I expected him to be out of our house within a week. I have heard nothing more, and from talking to several others, this may not materialize into anything. What a bizarre dynamic. Bond and love your foster children, as if they are your own…but not too much, or your heart will be broken into pieces, when they leave. What?!?!?! How do you even navigate this? At times, I feel like I can provide a safe and nurturing home, without having to be too emotionally invested. At other times, I decide I will abandon all “heart protection” and deal with my pain, when he leaves.
It’s not been all gloom and doom in our house. We’ve had a few moments of peace and joy and thankfulness. Jesus has specifically placed this little boy in our family. I hope that Jesus will be able to use us well, no matter the length of time he’s with us.