Seriously. This post is more of the same. If you’re looking for a feel-good read, keep on a-looking.
I reread my last post and have decided to update my percentages. I now feel completely crazy 99% of the time. Jesus has allowed these tiny pockets of time (an hour of less) where I feel peace and calm and able to function properly. I have literally had about 3 of these in the past 6 weeks. I want you to think about that right now. For about 3 total hours over the past 6 weeks, I have felt semi-normal.
My emotions range from anger to frustration to hopelessness to depression. It’s pretty joyless in my life right now, AND I HATE IT. I’d love to know if this is just all part of the fostering process, or if it’s something more. Because, it certainly feels like something more. The very worst part about it all is the fact that I feel that Jesus is completely absent. Now, I know truth and realize He never leaves me. But, I do not feel/see/hear Him working in my life at all…for the last 6 weeks. COME ON.
I told Him that if He wants me to sell everything I own and move to a hut in Africa, I’ll do it. If He wants me to accept more foster children, I’ll do it. But, I also told Him that if He was going to just hang me out to dry, screw this. I’m out. A friend asked if we would continue fostering, once this placement returns home. Everything in me wants to scream, HELL NO!! I really don’t feel I have a choice, though. Yes, we’ll continue to foster, up until we hear differently from Him. I guess I’m holding on to this tiny shred of hope that He’ll show up and help us out.
I desperately, with all my heart, want to live completely surrendered to His will. Now, I understand that you don’t have to do “big” things like moving to another country and choosing to live in destitution to really be serving the Lord. Duh. We’re all living in the mission field He’s chosen for us. However, that’s where my heart and head keep wanting to go. I know that’s not from me. I would MUCH rather live in comfort, eating good food, drinking good wine, wearing designer jeans. I know the Lord’s put that in my heart. When I read about people living radically, I want to do that. That’s why I just don’t get what’s happening. I’m pulling my hair out and cussing my brains out and acting like a huge baby. While I want to be one of those people, I just don’t seem to be “cut out” for that. I really did think I was a little more of a mature Christian than I obviously am. The minute hard times hit, I forget the entire foundation of my faith, basic truths. Do any of you struggle with this?
You want to pray for us? Pray that the Lord would show mercy and allow us to experience His presence again. Do we deserve it? Absolutely not. The conversation I have with myself goes a little like this: I get it, Lord. I’ve done a shitty job today as a parent. I might be the worst parent on the planet. I understand why You wouldn’t want anything to do with me. But, PLEASE. Jesus, help me out!
I know it’s going to happen sometime. He’s going to provide a verse or a song or a friend or a billboard that will give me the confidence I need to keep going. I’m not sure if that’s Biblical or good or mature to need that from the Lord, but that’s how it is.
Finally, to close…some of you may be aghast at some of the honesty in this post. I always want to be as transparent as possible, so that no one ever has a false view of our family. We are broken and wrecked and messed up. Yes, we’ve decided to do this foster thing that some may see as noble. Please understand that this had little to do with what we wanted. Jesus asked us, and we obeyed…kicking and screaming and cussing all the way.